Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I'm so neglectful

I've been very neglectful on here for a lot of reasons.I have things on my mind and the biggest is always money,or the lack thereof.Our car is not working properly so we have used it sparingly and that didn't include getting batteries for my camera yet so the pictures I promised everyone have not come to be at this time but I can't wait to get them and post them here.
Mostly what is on my mind is the fact that we don't live near family.This isn't something new but lately I have been thinking that, especially with a new baby coming, how much of a empty space in my life there is because we have noone close to us. My husband leaves the house most days at 8am and gets home at 9pm so sometimes the days are long and I just wonder how long I can actually live like this. Maybe it is just stress, or hormones or a mid life crisis or all of the above who knows but... they always say live everyday to the fullest and do what makes you happy. Of course the first thing I figure you have to do is define happiness. So I thought about that and one things I can't ignore is that being connected to family is essential for my happiness. Not to mention it would be nice to have other people to rely on in case I don't know,in case whatever with the children. I know we need money and with my husbands hours the only way I could work-even part time is to hire someone.How do I do that? I mean I don't know anyone here and I am so paranoid and it is not an easy thing for me to leave something I love more than life with a stranger.A lot of people have said to me oh it's no big deal my kid has been in daycare since 8 weeks old-well to me it is a huge deal.Something fundamentally inside me says it's wrong and I can't shake that.I've tried but I can't...... I can't see how he is being treated when I'm not here and it could affect him and it is my job to protect him and make sure he develops correctly.... I have such a headache typing this out.So all this thoughts are swirling in my head right now and it has made it hard for me to post or feel like talking on the phone or talking period..... I do hope I'm normal soon.Ok so maybe not normal but semi normal lol


Karen said...

Kitty, I wish we lived closer together. It's tough being a SAHM without a car. That's my situation until we can afford a second car payment.

Also, I know how you feel about being far from your family. DH and I moved all the way to Georgia the year we were to be married. He had a little family there, the cost of living was lower, and he had an opportunity to take over an established business. It just seemed like the right thing for us at the time. Well, we lasted 4 months and then we moved right back home.

I also share your feelings about leaving my children with strangers. Aside from tax and bonus time, money is usually very tight around here. It's a major source of stress, but I still think it's worth it to be able to stay home with the kids.

Kitty said...

I know it is worth it in my heart Karen! it is stressful financially but I think being so far away from everyone is what gets to me.I'm so used ot being a mom now I don't know what else I would do with my life and it makes me so happy.I would just love to share that with family and I can't.